I am co-writing a parody of the zombie and vampire crazy with Victoria Andrew titled We’re All Dead. First, a little pre-emptive strike. The book is a humorous satire and only meant to fun and cheeky. I am actually a fan of shows like True Blood. So for serious-minded vampire and zombie lovers, please don’t take this too seriously. It’s not meant to be rude or make fun of the craze just laugh over it in an entertaining way. If you can’t laugh at something well … where’s your sense of humor? This chapter is only part of chapter 4.
P.S., this is a raw unedited copy.
After making the love with Donatello and restoring my blood sugar to normal levels, I had a moment of inspiration. I sat up in our bed, which was a huge California King with an elegant wooden canopy over the top shrouded with a white gauze fabric. I always felt more “kingly” when I slept in it during the day in our light-tight love nest. Donatello was so loyal and loving, she was my humble and willingly enslaved lover. She took great care in keeping me well nourished. She even made sure to eat all her essential fruits and vegetables to keep me, her lover and master, healthy. I gently pushed her awake.
She rolled over and looked at me with her own naturally milky white complexion and light eyes. “Yes, my liege. Would you like me to pleasure you some more? I’ll gladly …” she said and moved her hand over my well-hung manhood. I looked down at her active hand fondling me. I smiled with the biggest look of pleasure and quickly forgot what task I wanted her to perform other than the “job” at hand. We made the love one more time! Right as I climaxed, I remembered what I wanted to tell her to do during her day-walking hours.
“I need you to send General Wilhelm a message for me via FaceSuck,” I said. Donatello reached across my kingly, cold lap and grabbed her clear-screen Killer Bite-Pad. “Dear General: We need to talk peace treaty. Assemble your rotten minions at the Staples Arena next Saturday at 8:00 p.m. sharp. We will discuss a way for our two groups to coexist in peace. Be there or be dead … whoops! Or be torn to shreds with no arms or legs to stuff human body parts in your pie hole of a mouth.”
I looked up and said, “Does that sound too harsh darling? Or should I revise it?”
Donatello grinned with her dark enthusiasm, “Vampire, your precious ego flails!” she said and reached across to stroke my manhood one more time with a glint of lust in her eyes. She was my insatiable devotee. “Better now?” she asked with a girlish smile.
“Always, come here my lustful lovely and let me ravage you one more time before sunrise,” I said, grabbed her abruptly, and kissed her long and deep. Ah, my Donatello. She was more than just a sun-sweet “juice box”. I could make the love to her all night long and into the daylight if my vampire body didn’t go impotent at dawn. Yes, vampires are impotent during the daylight hours. We can’t get it up. We’ve even tried Cialis that is supposed to last 36 hours, you know for when the mood strikes. The mood strikes after the sun is up and our erection is down – and Cialis doesn’t work, trust me I’ve tried.
The next evening I awoke to Donatello and Lt. Colburn both standing over my dead body. Donatello looked anxious and perhaps worried. Lt. Colburn looked like he always did – disinterested and bored. Donatello spoke first and said, “The General has agreed to meet you at 8:00 p.m. “
“Fantastic!” I cried in my gleeful state before I realized I had not quite formed a plan. “Damn it!” I thought but did not dare speak aloud. A great warrior king cannot allow his subjects to realize he was not smart enough to form an actual plan of attack. I looked at my brother who was shuffling back and forth and had snatched a mouse he was now sucking on like a rodent-pop. Oh wretched vampire and messy eater! I lost my temper. He had dribbled blood on his white blouse that had ruffled fringes, which looked straight out of the Victorian era. “No messy eating!” I roared like a lion.
Lt. Colburn looked around like someone else was in the room to pass the blame. “Are you talking to me?”
“Is there some other fool in the room nibbling on a Mouseketeer?” I cried and knocked the bloody, little rodent out of his hand and onto the floor.
“But bro, I’m hungry, dude!”
“Did you just call me ‘dude’?” I yelled.
“Oh, sorry, man, um, your majesty,” he said and smiled widely with bloody teeth.
“Wipe your mouth off, ‘bro’!” I ordered now completely enraged by his sloppiness and slang.
Donatello slinked up to me and rubbed my arm like a cat. “Oh, tsk, tsk, so grumpy. Do you want me to feed on me before we leave?” she offered with pouty lips that tempted me. I didn’t have time for a sip. We had to go. I decided I would formulate a plan while we flew.
“I’ve arranged escorts,” said Donatello. “You know I can’t go with you unless we take the sleigh.”
“Of course, your loveliness,” I said and kissed her warm cheek, which immediately excited my blood lust and out popped my fangs.
Donatello blinked at me and giggled with a coquettishness. She touched one fang with the tip of her finger and said, “Oh, aren’t you cute tonight.” Then she leaned in very close and whispered, “Just make sure we’re back at least a full hour before dawn.” She pulled away from me, winked and grinned.
Donatello, who wore all black leather with a shiny red belt, sashayed in front of me and opened the front door to the dark outside. I grabbed my long black leather jacket and followed right behind her. My brother, who had managed to capture a rat this time, walked behind me sucking on it. I noticed he made an effort not to spill a drop.
“How can you eat such disgusting, vile creatures?” I asked without turning around to look at him.
He removed the rat from his mouth and said, “Huh? Kind of reminds me of Cheese Nips,” he grinned at me, thinking he had made some spectacularly funny joke. I was not amused, looked over my shoulder, and gave him a deep scowl. He said, “What? It’s funny, du-I mean your majesty.”
We stopped in front of a sleigh that was red just like the old-fashioned sleighs from the 19th century. Six young and muscular, shirtless vampires were all lined up in front ready to pull it just like reindeer. I saw Donatello eye their muscles and raise an eyebrow at one particular good-looking man’s bulge in his pants. Oh, my lustful Donatello. She was such a vixen, but I knew she was my loyal bitch and would not stray and certainly not with the help – that was beneath even my human companion’s refined and good taste.
I haven’t widely shared yet, but I am working on a new book titled We’re All Dead. It’s a parody of the vampire and zombie craze. Here is the preface so you know what it’s about, and then the short excerpt. Remember, it’s a parody even if the preface sounds somewhat serious.
It’s the year 3010 and the great Apocalypse of Death is nearing the end. After 50 years of death, war and destruction, the zombies, vampires and humans are about to take their last stand. At stake – the survival of the human race.
Zombies and vampires have brought the human race to the verge of extinction. Now only a small population of humans have survived, which has created a great famine for vampires. The head of the vampires Colonel Baptista has declared all zombies must be annihilated. His rival necromancer General Doc Wilhelm, though, has a secret weapon – one that is sure to kill all of the remaining humans, and therefore, eliminate the food source of the vampires and destroy their race as well.
And then zombies will rule the world.
Excerpt from Chapter 2
“Shut up! It’s your job to know these things … brother!” I hissed at him. “We can’t let these putrid zombies kill our food supply. They’ve already infected half the human race. What do you suppose will happen when there are no humans left you walking, talking idiot?”
“But we’re immortal,” he said with a vacant stare.
“We’ll starve and live forever hungry and irritable like I am now! Always! It will be immortality and low blood sugar.”
This is just a fun project we’re doing for a limited release at the Sci-Fi cons. Who knows if it will pick up steam, but we thought it would be fun to take our useless knowledge of vamps and zombies and just have a little fun.